I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
