Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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