hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
