Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
