so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
