Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
