So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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