I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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