I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
