dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
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Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
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I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize