What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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