dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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