Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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