If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
