Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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