1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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