I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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