Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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