god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
