so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I got inside last night via doggy door
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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