I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Randomize
