it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
it hurts more in the daytime
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
