I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
