The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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