upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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