Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
