I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Sorry about my life...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
