I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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