I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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