Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
