I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
