I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
