I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
