we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
My ass is underappreciated
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
