My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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