I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
