I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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