he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
