I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
