I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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