Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
