The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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