The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
