Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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