Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
