I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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