Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
