Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
