you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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