I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
