U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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