If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
