i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
