My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
