Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
