Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
