What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
