This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
