Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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