I think I just saw someone hide a body.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
